A Word for My Brother

Writer: Nayirah Salem

(Trigger Warning: If you suffer from suicidal thoughts, depression, PTSD, or anything similar; this letter is not for you.)

I remember all these times I cried myself to sleep. All these nights I stayed awake from pain, which was not physical, it was mental pain, emotional pain, and the worst pain ever, which is the pain of solitude. All these times you asked me why I was crying and I didn’t give an answer, all those awful feelings that seep inside your nerves and cover your brain, and you just have nothing to do with it.

Whether you keep fighting with your broken faith, or give up and keep faking new masks day after day, no matter how good you are at acting and how convincing your drama is, you won’t be able to keep acting your whole life. But if you give up, you will just be a toy between depression’s hands. Being lonely was a secret weapon I have been fighting with ever since I was young. I never had someone to ask me if I was fine, I never had someone to wipe away my tears, I never had someone to warn me, to tell me that life is unfair, to tell me that I am enough with all my aspects, even the negative ones.

I was never close to a person, a person who could save me from losing myself. I have spent my whole life trying to fix other people’s problems, and those people never appreciated what I did.  Life can raise you up to the seventh heaven and can pull you down to end in a dark, small tomb covered with soil. It just depends on how you take things into consideration. If you are reading this, then I will be in that tomb now, yes I committed, I escaped.

I don’t know where I am going, but what I know is that I don’t want to be in this world anymore. The society should put heads down in shame, the people and the society killed me, killed your sister. I never understood why people judge and don’t like to be judged. However, I am telling you now to not be like me, I am asking you to go with the flow. Find friends, love yourself, help yourself before helping others, don’t cry yourself to sleep, don’t fake masks, when you are sad, admit it and confess, don’t lock it inside your heart. 

Believe and trust that one day you can rule the world, one day you will be able to prove your deeds. I know I should have given myself all of this advice, but trust me, my heart was dead and my mind was out of control, I couldn’t fix anything. But you still have a whole life to live, a whole life to shape the way you want.

I was the first child, remember that mom shaped my life, she planned it for me; she never asked if I was happy, she only did what she wanted to do, she never gave me a chance to prove my choices and my thoughts, but mom let you free, you have a personality that is better than mine, it’s strong and bold. I had suicidal thoughts, but I tried to convince everyone that suicide wasn’t the answer. Don’t give people what you don’t have.  In the end, I wanted to tell you that you can be strong. I believe in you, I don’t want to see your tears. Live as if I am near you. Whenever you are down, talk to me; I will listen.