Hopeful Again

Writer: Nagla Aly

Editor: Khaled Mohamed

For a second, I wanted the world to stop, I wanted the never-fading black dot inside my mind to stop growing, I wanted the sound of the flapping wings of all the demons flying around inside my mind to stop. Yet, I feared the silence inhabiting my mind, for I found solace in the aching. I wanted to take off my mask and breathe.

4:46, for the first time the symphonies of the birds outside my window were louder than whatever was inside me. For the first time, I closed my book and looked out the pitch black window, loving the heavenly made symphonies of the tiny little balls of happiness. Eyes closed for a second, I imagined what it would belike to be a bird, to be so brave, to sing everyday to my fellow birds, to never be caged in your own body or mind, to fly freely from one window to another with those softly made wings. At that moment and only that moment, I had that tiny spark of light in the middle of the pitch-black part of my mind saying ‘Hey, I think we can make it’. For a second, I thought that my petals can be alive once more, for a second, I felt hopeful in the middle of all the chaos. ‘All you have to do is lose control, give yourself the love you give to others’ it was getting louder, I felt like cheating on my long relationship with the demons in my mind, but at that moment I believed that cheating wasn’t a sin. I wanted to be colorful again, in the middle of the dead bodies I see on my TV, in the middle of all the rising numbers, I feel like I can make it, I feel like I can be colorful again.