Trapped in a Cage of Why’s

Writer: Sarah Mandor

Editor: Ahmed Ashry

I am writing to let the rush of my thoughts calm down a little bit. I can no longer cope with unanswered questions.

‘Why?, Do I deserve that?, What have I done?, how did it all go wrong?’.

I am tired of spending my nights thinking about you make me feel this way instead of spending my nights with you. I am done waiting; you know how consuming it is to wait for something that won’t ever happen? I am tired of jumping to my phone whenever I receive a notification to see its not you.

I am tired dreaming of you calling and waking up at the middle of night to see you didn’t. I am tired of speaking with your photos, blaming them, crying and sharing with them what I used to share with you. I am tired of feeling lonely.

I am tired of giving you endless justification. I always search for a reason behind your actions that would keep your image fine in my mind. I always search for something that wouldn’t make you be the bad guy in the story.
I am tired of holding my feelings inside— my anger, happiness, pride and care.
God.. How I care.

I am tired of being too understanding when in fact I have all the right to scream how hurt I am.

I no longer need your apology. It would never be enough anymore. I need justification, I need to understand why. I need to know the answers that have kept me awake for too long. The answers to the questions that triggered every inch of my insecurities. I need to get what I deserve. I am tired of not having what I am worth and feeling like I am asking for much.

I only need to be set free, just as a bird flying out of cage that it had known as home for too long. She knows that she needs to fly away, but how can it leave what feels like home?..

The one who was never worth of a justification in your eyes.