Writer: Maya Aly
Editor: Khaled Mohamed
This message is not that kind of message that will make you feel guilty about anything. Today, I’m writing this to myself more than to you, not that it makes a difference though. I just want to give a little piece of my mind. It was one night, one hell of a night, that destroyed some soft feelings I used to have. Feelings like love, happiness and peace. It was a night that wouldn’t leave me alone; it haunts me every time I close my eyes; it runs after me whenever I’m not holding my phone or talking with somebody; it plays on rewind every time I try to sleep and I couldn’t help but feel it again. Feel the cold breeze that touched my skin, feel the undesired fingers on my bare skin, feel the darkness that surrounded me and the worst of all, feel the fear of not being here tomorrow. They say time heals, medicines cure, and talking helps, but no, they don’t. Nothing can help you when you don’t want to be helped, and surely nothing can heal you when you are the kind of case that has no cure. I remember how things were before that night, I remember the little version of me running around the house and giggling with joy, I remember my father trying so hard to find me when we used to play ‘hide and seek’, and I remember that one day I used to have a home. I think we are so different; you were living one lifetime while I’m living another, even though we are the same exact person. I don’t exactly miss you, and I surely don’t want to go back. I don’t want to risk feeling whatever I felt again, I don’t want to risk seeing him again, and I don’t want to risk losing myself again. I may not know who you are now, and I may not know who I am know, but I know that maybe one day we will collide again, and the broken pieces will find some way to again look as beautiful as they once were. I know that one day the sun will rise again, the flowers will grow, and the pain will fade, and I’m sure that I’ll find you again. I will find you when things are right, when I start to search, when I have the energy and when you are ready. I don’t think either of us is ready to face what happened or to face the other. I think we’re still just as frightened as we were that night, and I don’t think we ever faced it. That night when I left the place, I left you there, laying on the floor by the grass, I left you there looking at the stars and wishing for everything to stop, I left you there even though I knew I’ll never see you again, because deep down I know I could’ve saved you, but I didn’t. I don’t think you’re doing fine. I don’t think you’re the same kid anymore. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself and I don’t think you’ll ever forgive me. I just wanted to tell you for the last time before I close my eyes tonight and never have to remember you again, that it’s okay that we lost happiness. I don’t blame you and I don’t blame myself. I know you’ve never heard those words before, but trust me, it’s okay. I know that it’ll never be okay, and it’s too late because we somehow fell in love with what is beyond life. And I’m not even complaining, because when the time comes and I see you again, I’ll hold your hand and walk with you to the end of the road. We will lay down on the floor, look into each other’s eyes, take a long breath, close our eyes, and fade away like we never existed. I think that’s when we will finally feel the peace we’ve desired since that night. The night that made us desire darkness more than light, the night that killed the happy memories, the night that made us two even though we were born one. It will end soon, and by then you won’t have to feel alone anymore. Because we will walk down that road together, we will let it go and we won’t ever have to look back. Remember, I love you.