Editor: Doaa Saady
It’s like trying to hide from what’s coming next because you don’t know if you have the power to face it or not. It’s like an impossible mission, a very hard goal, and a very disappointing one. Ever got tricked into healing, but found yourself falling down into the depth of sadness?
Looking back to where I was makes me feel disappointed to the point where it just doesn’t make any sense. I wish it was so easy to understand how this works, how to heal, and how to just let go. Holding on to the pain that I’m feeling makes it very hard to process what’s about to come. It’s like I’m never ready, it’s like I’m just stuck here, and I don’t know how to get out.
They say the only way to let go of your pain is to go through it, but how can I go through something that doesn’t make any sense? I mean, what makes sense anymore? Yes, letting go is one of the hardest processes of them all.
Never imagined that one day I’ll be sitting down on my window porch wishing I was dead. Never imagined that the little, happy human running around the house will end up to be this hopeless girl. Never imagined myself ending up lost because I remember that my mother always made sure I know the way back home, but I’m sorry mother I failed, I got lost through the trees. You never told me that it’s going to be this dark; you never told me that I have to choose between losing myself and losing the way home, and I really wish you did.
But it’s okay, I know someday I’ll find my way back, and I’ll reach home again. But please don’t give up on me, don’t leave the place unless I’m there to say goodbye, don’t be happy without me, and don’t fall in love without me, because at some point I know deep in me I’m not reaching home any time soon, but don’t worry I’m just following the light. Just remember I love you.