I Let You Go

Writer: Mariam Hisham

Editor: Khaled Ibrahim

I woke up shaking again. Please be a bad dream, please. I looked at the other side of the bed, he’s not here. It’s not a bad dream. He’s not here. A year before, on a day just like this, he was here next to me. He had breakfast with me and kissed me goodbye. He never came back, he died in a car crash. I never got to say goodbye.

I remembered his face. I cried and cried. I cried as I was getting out of bed. I cried as I was brushing my teeth and as I was getting ready. Today, my mom insisted that I should go stay with her and take a day off from work. I cried on my way.

I decided to make a stop at the street he died. I got out of my car and stood in front of the spot where his body was and stared at it. I miss you. I know you can hear me. I talk to you in my mind like you’re still here. I still sleep in your shirt. I eat your favourite meal even though I don’t like it.

I- Suddenly, I heard the terrifying sound of a crash, along with a screeching scream. I guess it was mine. Black..darkness is all I see. I heard someone’s voice “You’re okay, you’re okay don’t worry” the man said. I heard them carrying me to an ambulance. All black again.

Then a new place began to form. A white, huge, empty space. “Where am I?” I thought. I saw him, I saw his face. He got closer and closer. “Are you real?” I said with tears in my eyes. “Yes, but only till you wake up. Fortunately, you’re alive.” he said with a smile.

“I missed you, you have no idea how hard things are..” I said sobbing. “No, listen to me. You need to listen okay?” He said hugging me. I nodded slowly. “Listen love, you have to let me go. Letting me go doesn’t mean you loved me any less okay? I know it’s hard. I know you miss me already. I know it’s hard to get out of bed. I know you feel like no one understands you. But I’m here. I’m by your side. Still, you need to let me go. You need to find someone and find love. Live your life okay?” He said with tears in his eyes.

“But-” I started saying but felt him disappearing. “Listen love, we only have a few minutes. Just trust me. Let me go.” he said. “Please, just promise me.” he said again. “I promise you.” I said sobbing. Then everything disappeared.

I heard a voice I could recognize. It’s my mother crying “Oh baby thank god! Thank god! You’re so lucky. You only broke your leg. You lost a lot of blood so you lost consciousness. Thank God!” I smiled weakly. I saw him, waving back at me as he was leaving my room. 

“Go on love, I’ll keep my promise. I’ll let you go.” I spoke to him in my head one last time. We don’t always get what we want in life. Sometimes, we need to let go of the things we love the most. For our own good, and for theirs too. Letting someone go doesn’t mean you loved them any less, sometimes it means you loved them even more.