Self-Toxicity Happens

Writer: Malak Mahmoud
Editor: Khalid Mohamed

Sometimes, it isn’t the world that’s fixing you to the ground. It isn’t always your surroundings that consume your life and energy. Sometimes, you’re the one who is tearing yourself apart. And I couldn’t completely deem the world innocent because it fed your brain uncertainty about yourself in the first place.

But it does happen. You can be toxic to yourself, and you’re probably unaware of it. It’s so hard to stop being your own enemy because you’re battling your very own self; you’re getting hurt all the time. You’re in a constant fight with the outer universe while trying to pacify the rising fire within you: while trying to find out who you are, and what’s right and what’s not.

The process of organizing your mind is the most difficult. Because you know that you have to do it but you have no clue where to start. And a half-hearted small voice keeps insisting that nothing is worth fixing anyway. So, each time you end up listening to this small voice, living on a frail hope that maybe this small voice will disappear, or maybe things will just fall into place out of nowhere.

But life doesn’t work like that. The mechanism of existence requires effort —and it’s worth it. It’s worth the exhaustion digging out of your comfort zone. It’s worth adjusting your vision when the flagrant light of unexpected situations blinds you. It’s worth having a long discussion with yourself to sort things out.

The road to having a peace treaty with yourself isn’t paved; it’s the most vertiginous mountain.

But remember that you have the full potential to make it to the top. You’re an overflowing ocean of endless beautiful possibilities and you can’t just discover yourself overnight. Each fall will make you realize how much power and strength you have even if fragility is the one ruling right now. Remember that you went through a lot, and whatever you went through required strength and patience and you had (and will always have) these strong points.
Never underestimate yourself. You’re a treasure box and all this fortune is yours.