Heartbreak: What’s like Falling for a Fuckboy

Writer: Rawan Elshiwy

First, you approached me. I remember every single exquisite detail in between our story all so clearly, and you’re just an agonizing tale that I can’t tell anymore, but for the sake of my sanity, I desperately need to.

My Obsession:

      What was it like falling for you? It was like a bloody blade being stabbed into my heart at a perpetual rate. It was a breath of fresh air after struggling in the aqua water for so long I couldn’t respire. You were the breath I needed to take to blow life into me again. You were the violent winds blowing against my face as I fell in love with you, and hell. Hade’s hell must be sweeter than your love.

     You were my soul and entire being, no you didn’t ask for it, but I willingly handed you myself completely. Your love was a curse I’d rather reverse. Your love felt like all dear ones kissing me all at once, as if you’d sucked me out from my body and owned me. I can’t call this affection, I was madly in love with you, even more than I loved anyone else including myself. My universe began and ended with you, and my world didn’t shine until the sun dawned upon it, until you dawned upon it.

    I was falling for a boy who just had my image on the bed clouding his thoughts and instinctual sex drive, but I was on cloud 9 for your ugly grin that I’ve grown to loath. You were my first love and it felt excruciatingly painful. Did it ever cross your mind how I broke when you inquired about my best friends, asking me to introduce you to them? I was never going to have the strength to do so. I would’ve rather locked you up in my ventricle, where I would cherish you forevermore and made my love seem like your welcoming abode. I was slowly dying on the inside, as if I was constantly blown over and under by sea waves.

    You were deliberately making me lose whatever sanity I had left in me, without a care in the world. The first time you touched my hand left me breathless and with an ill-functioning beast in my chest. I craved you like heroin and cocaine and you were rushing in my veins. You caressed it like you were memorizing the small cracks in a ceiling, but it wasn’t so for you, it simply was a random handshake you offered to all girls. But for me, there were a billion sparks running down my spine.

   You were feeding me poison every day, with your texts and feigned attentiveness. I craved you like I was high on you. High on love. High on tears. High on utter grief. High on my need to have you, just for a little bit, or possibly to the end of time.

What he truly was:

   Unraveling your layers was the most difficult task that I failed at completing but it was mostly because you’d built so many walls around yourself not to get busted and partly due to the fact that I thought you were a fallen angel from heaven. Were you afraid that if I defeated the guards fortifying your fortress I’d break free of the chains around my neck? You were the epitome of womanizier yet you spoke of purity and wore it like a crown, you hypocrite. How was it like flirting with my closest friends thinking I’d not know? How was it like staring into my eyes like I was the queen of your kingdom? Were my eyes too deep for you? How was it like wanting me for my body? How was it like knowing there was a girl out there that loved you with all her might and was ready to give it all up and you let her go?

   You usually made compliments to me about how smoking hot I looked in shorts and bikinis but never about my traits, or how breathtaking my smile was, or how young spirited my soul was. Your bravado was finally showing through and you were quite the actor. What about the time I had a mental breakdown and slept for straight six hours? You never even replied to my texts. I was seeking your help. I thought you were the cure but you were unfortunately the poison. You only had time for me when it was convenient for you, when it suited your hormones. Why was I never enough for you? You had eyes for every girl, like a hungry caveman, but your eyes could never undo my heart, could it? Your eyes only worshipped curves, but never the flakes of my honey brown eyes.

    We were never meant to be, because deep down I knew I deserved someone way better than you. Someone that would fight off my inner demons and hug me tight to his chest when I start sobbing in the middle of the night after a terrible nightmare. I was just a doll you came to when you had a hard on or a dirty mind that needed a paper to inscribe his nasty thoughts on, but I was never the girl you wanted to reverence at the end of the day. I just craved you in the most innocent intentions, but I am also a soul that feels. A soul that would eventually get fed up with your bullshit. I was a young girl that only wanted to earn your respect, not a sperm house for your lust. I know you’re reading this now and Karma is playing you back mighty fine .I’m watching you getting a taste of my heartache.