There were Many, Yet I Found None

Writer: Lojain Assem

With unleashed tears and suppressed screams, I found none.
When I needed someone to tell how hurt I am and say that “someone I love and care for is in pain”, when my heart was aching more than their’s did, I found none.

With hundreds of open chats and many people I know will present me with open ears, I sought solace in none.

I trusted none with my feelings.
Telling people about your life, your past, present, even your deepest secrets, for me, can never be compared to venting out your feelings.

I know I may seem harsh, but none of all those were worth hearing what I felt; none of all those were worth hearing about someone I appreciate, except the two people that ironically just appeared before my eyes and inside my mind. The first being the one that became a page I hoped I can close, because apparently, I can’t get it wide open as it was before, and when some things change, they can never go back to how they used to be. The other person though? They’re the one who I wish to talk about, because their pain is what’s causing mine.

It sounds absurd, to go and tell someone in a deep amount of pain that you are also in so much pain, because they ARE in pain!

Even written as a sentence, it feels and sounds absurd, not because it’s wrong, but because how can you go to someone you know is hurting as hell and add to their pain and the weight in their hearts by telling them that you are also hurt? And not just normally hurt, that you are hurt because they are too?

The least this conversation could do is to stop them from telling you the next time they aren’t feeling well, because they care for you and they don’t want to drag you deep down in their pain, they’ll push you away, more than they currently do.

And it does sound more absurd when you wanna call someone, complain about life and it’s doings to you and your beloved ones, when you actually swore multiple times that you never wanna call them again, that you wanna close a wound that’s wide open inside you and bleeding badly.

Attachment is hard, getting attached is painful, the fear and await of losing someone is agonizing, but what to do?! Some people are worth risking everything for. Some people deserve getting attached to even if you are a thousand percent sure they are leaving at some point.
بعض الناس يخلقون داخلك مكانا خاصاً، يحفرون اساميهم على الذكريات.
Some people create a special place inside you; they engrave their names on memories create magic inside you with the minimalist of efforts. Something different that can neither be described, nor understood. They make you damn sure that you’ll love them, care for them, trust them, and cherish them no matter what.