Writer: Maram Mohamed
It is times like this, when sleep forgets my mere existence and thoughts give me their full attention, that empower me.
Months ago, I dreaded the second my clock hit midnight. I would fight against all odds, I would try so fucking hard to force myself to fall asleep before it was too late to back out. Perhaps because I knew what it meant. Perhaps because I was terrified of what would usually come next. I knew I wanted to avoid the tears, the heart clenching aches, the goosebumps crawling underneath my skin, the fear attacking my spine and the regret eating me away.
I knew that I would keep falling, wilting, collapsing, until my body forcefully shut down on its own. I knew that I would wake up the next morning fazed, tired and confused. I knew a lot of things, which perhaps was the worst part of it all.
Knowing….I always used to wonder how easier things would be if I just didn’t know they existed. How easier my life would be if I was completely blinded, simply oblivious. How I would have one less thing to worry about, how I wouldn’t stare at the tiny, boxy alarm on my bedside table in fear.
But now, months later, I look forward to the second my clock ticks midnight. It empowers me because for once I finally realized that I am in control of my own feelings. I understood the fact that I am human, and I was born to feel. I finally realized that it is only normal for me to get consumed by my pain sometimes. It is only normal for me to feel hurt, sad and overwhelmed, then happy, adventurous and bold an hour later.
It was like a veil finally stopped blocking my vision, and suddenly everything looked and felt so real, so right.
I quickly learned to stop dehumanizing myself. I learned to embrace my pain, my scars, and my fears. To embrace who I am and who I want to be. To allow everyone to see me fall and pick myself right up. To allow not only the world, but also myself to understand that I am not perfect and never should or will be. Because I am human, and humans weren’t born to strive for perfection. I am who I am because of my pain, tears, fears and regrets, and I am finally so proud and in love with who I have become.
Midnights now empower me, because they remind me of how mortal I actually am, and how beautiful being human really is. Midnights now empower me, because they remind me of how humane my mere existence is.