Writers: Jana Amin and Sarah Mandor
Editor: Doaa Saady
Because relationships are built on patterns, on each person bouncing off the other, if you change, you change the pattern, which may change your partner and the relationship. You don’t need to take what you are getting. Change is possible. And if not now, so when?
There’s a jockeying for power about whose way is better? Who wins the argument? Whose expectations, thoughts, decisions, and standards do we follow? Whose career is more successful and important…? Etc. But unfortunately, this couple will get tired of battling and leave each other, or one finally concedes, or they both finally define their own turfs that they are in charge of.
So you should know well that we aren’t competitors we are partners, your success is mine and my success is yours, my success won’t threaten you nor the opposite, we build each other up and stand together, if you aren’t in a relationship that makes you grow and become a better version, why are you holding on?
One partner does most of the effort and the heavy lifting while the other goes along just like children, the more passive partner may be easily overwhelmed with anxiety, feels entitled or overwhelmed as an adult, and leans on others. But sometimes this happens due to more of undetected or unrealized problems, like mental health issues, trust issues…Etc. where the active partner is always feeling the need to compensate for the other especially when it comes to physical problems, they force the other partner to step up and be a caretaker unstoppably.
So try to understand each other’s emotions and needs, don’t love the person in front you by the way you want to be loved, don’t you find yourself being told I’ve done it all for you’ when you never asked for anything? As hard as it sounds, sacrificing things when you weren’t asked for it makes the person owe you nothing, they can appreciate all of your Sacrifices but still doesn’t have to owe you, when you do things you weren’t asked for…
Here the power difference is not based on caretaking, but on raw power. One partner is clearly in charge, and the other accommodates less out of passivity and more out of fear. While the intimidating partner will easily blow up, there is only little real conflict. There is emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse. The intimidating partner is clearly a bully who has anger-management issues, underneath may be high anxiety that translates into extreme control. So the accommodating partner leads to fuel a magical thought: “If I just figure out the right steps in the dance, I can keep the other from exploding and both of us will live happily this way.” But unfortunately, they can never figure out the steps.
- Disconnected/Parallel Lives
This relationship seems stale; they suffer from boredom, and courteous coldness just like they’re living emotionlessly. This happens because they both choose each other wrongly but they realized this after it’s too late. So they continue saying to themselves that this is good enough, or that they’re too old to change. So here we know that communication plays a very important role communicating is a must, but there is a difference between communicating for solving and communicating for our egos.
When two mature people want to keep a relationship they open up to their partner when something is wrong but in a way that makes their partner feels safe, I am not attacking you I am searching with you for a solution.
Sometimes one of them loves every day all day communication, this relates to the different love languages we spoke about previously when their partner’s comfort zone isn’t in speaking all day, the one who loves speaking immediately feels attacked, they think that this threatens their relationship or maybe that they don’t care at all.
Loving someone has different styles and shapes, so to blame someone for being delinquent, you should know his style and way and stop judging him based on yours.
They work together as a team, complementing each other, they each recognize and accept the other’s strengths and respect it. They listen to each other, understand each other, and then solve problems rather than sweeping them under the rug. here “Acceptance” plays it’s magical role, Accepting a person for who he is means you won’t blame him for it, you give him the space of being whoever he wants and only speak about it if they are harming themselves or you, if you dislike something about them you speak to them about it and then both of you decide how whether it will change or will you accept it. Sometimes you find a common ground for both of you sometimes your needs become against each other and here comes the ego…
Are you in love with the person or more in love with your ego? Would you sacrifice for him or its take it or leave it?
So, what are the major misunderstanding between women and men in a relationship? Is it about her or him? Has the tension over the last couple of weeks been just a blip due to stress or the tip of the iceberg of some bigger problems? If she does x, will he do y, or if he stops x, will she stop y?
So we have to understand our differences. When facing a problem a woman tends to open up to her partner about her feelings and how she feels, a man jumps to solutions because he thinks that by telling him the problem she needs one, when in fact if a woman didn’t ask for one all she needs is to be heard. They sometimes need to feel empathy; they want emotional support not only logical support. But when a man gets distant while facing a problem, the woman jumps to conclusion that he stopped loving her, when in fact he is running to his cave, he isn’t ignoring you or even bored of you, he just needs time off and needs to face his darkness alone.
This triggers the mom in women because a part of them will always push them to give endless emotional support to her man when he is down if you need to help him all you can do is to wait out of the cave and give him his space, don’t load him by questioning his love towards you, it has nothing to do with it, makes him feel loved but don’t expect him to feel loved the same way you are.